Call Of Nature: Estersand
by Basched
Summary: Balthier and Vaan make a bad mistake in the Estersand. Part of my CON series. slight basch/ashe


_Author's note: Another update...one that I REALLY wanted to write more of, but felt it was best to keep short. Balthier and Vaan are not treated well here...sorry folks. But this is a funny fic. Not beta'd. _

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_**The Call Of Nature**_** (AKA Where Do You Go When There Are No Loos?)**

**Dalmasca Estersand**

The Desert to the East of Rabanastre was termed the "nicer" desert in Dalmasca. To the south, The Stepping and Yardang Labyrinth were the rocker areas of Estersand, a place where most of the wolves and other fiends settled during the cold nights due to the adequate shelter. The Naze was a towering cliff of sand that overlooked the Banks of the Nebra; it was vast and offered no real shelter except for a few hidden croppings of rocks and the cave entrance to Barheim. The Yoma and Broken sands beyond the great river Nebra were more fertile and would have been ideal for the party, but at this moment, the six travellers were about a day's crossing through The Naze.

"Hold up!"

Basch who had been taking point stopped when Penelo's voice called out. He turned, just as Fran and Ashelia did and saw that two members of the party were missing.

"What seems to be the problem, Penelo?" asked Ashe, going up to help the girl who was still having problems with the broken strap on her back pack. The blonde grinned.

"No problem. Vaan and Balthier were just….they want to take a quick break." She pointed slightly with her finger to the two large cactus plants. Ashe saw the two men's arms and torsos, but quickly looked away when she realized what they were doing. "They won't be long."

"Of course," Ashe flapped her hand in front of her face and headed back to Basch's side. "You're right Penelo. It's not a problem, after all everyone has such needs."

"We are stopping for a moment, majesty?" asked Basch, as Ashe and Penelo slipped off their packs.

"Vaan and Balthier are stopping for some relief."

Basch clearly got what she meant and he too slipped off his pack and rubbed at his bony shoulders. Then as he looked around the Naze, at the far off silvery blue glint of Nebra, and back round to where they had been, Basch saw what Vaan and Balthier had found. He shook his head.

"That was unwise." He said when both men came back, Balthier still buttoning up his flies.

"What?" Vaan was confused and he wasn't the only one. Balthier sighed and stretched his arms above his head. His hand flapped at the air, dismissing Basch's comment. "What?"

"Ignore him, Vaan." Said Balthier. "He's seeing another bad omen."

"Hardly." Basch replied. "I merely stated that what you did was unwise."

Now everyone else was confused, so as a warm whip of Dalmascan air blew from the north, they glared at Basch, waiting for him to respond. He was a man a few words, but his expressions said far more.

Vaan looked to the two cactus plants that he and Balthier had just relieved themselves behind. Was watering those plants not the right thing to do? Where could they have gone that wouldn't have left them exposed and on display in front of the women?

"Don't worry, Vaan," Said Balthier as he smirked and took his pack and his newly upgraded gun from Fran. "He's playing with us. It's his sense of humour…dry as this desert. Now if we can carry on, I want to make the South Bank village as soon as possible. I have sand everywhere and a bathe in the Nebra will do me wonders!"

"I was not trying to be humorous," Said Basch as the two men who passed him, patted him heftily on the back. Fran gave him a soft smile at his bewildered look and obediently followed her partner. Penelo couldn't say anything either and skipped off after Vaan. "Princess, they think I jest."

Ashe slipped her fingers between his and clasped tenderly at his hand. She patted her other hand on his bare arm and smiled up at him as they continued to walk together.

"They don't know you as well as I do. Basch, what possibly could have been unwise about them going behind the-?"

The princess didn't even get to finish asking her question as she felt two tiny forms scutter past her. There was a high pitched chirping and Ashe watched as two very angry cactaurs began to attack Vaan and Balthier.

The green spiny creatures were relentless, shooting needles again and again at the two men. Normally the despatching of these creatures was relatively easy, but these ones were quick. They easily dodged Vaan's sword and the bullets of Balthier's gun and shot back more spines in response.

"Someone kill them!" yelled Vaan, falling to the sand as six needles imbedded into his backside. "Please?"

"You damned bloody critters!" Balthier's back looked like a pincushion and when one of the cactaurs began to leap up around his face, he flapped his hands around to slap it away. It screeched and spat, which unfortunately for the sky pirate, more needles. Balthier dropped his gun and began to run in chaotic circles in a feeble attempt to escape.

"Shouldn't we help them?" asked Penelo, when Balthier ran past them yelling. Basch shrugged his shoulders. "We should help them! I mean, Cactaurs are harmless unless provoked! Why are they treating them like that?"

Vaan let out a piercing scream. The green creature was now pulling madly on his hair.

"Get them off me!"

"We should assist!" said Fran, arming her bow. She took aim at the one now snivelling and chomping at Balthier's ankles, but when she took the shot, the Cactaur dodged once again. Basch nodded and then he and the princess took up their swords and rushed to their friend's aid. It took a while for them to get some good clean hits in, but eventually the sliced green bits of the Cactaurs bodies flew in different directions and landed in heaps on the sand. Penelo rushed to the two groaning men, readying her magic to heal them.

"You knew this would happen, Basch?" asked Ashelia, as she cleaned her sword.

"Aye. I have known ever since Vossler found me here when I first came to Dalmasca. I found out the hard way."

"So what happened? Why did they get angry?" groaned Balthier as Fran began to help pick the needles out of his back.

"I would imagine you would be as vexed as they, if you were urinated on."


End file.
